I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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