Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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