you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
