He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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