The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
