i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
