Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
