Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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