Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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