I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
