Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
