she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
