Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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