And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
