I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
