If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
