Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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