every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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