come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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