Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
