I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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