I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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