It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
