she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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