I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
