Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
