Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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