smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
