Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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