Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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