I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
