Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
