I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
