Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
