Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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