Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
