So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
