Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
