After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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