you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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