My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
