If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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