I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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