My liver just broke up with me...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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