She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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