This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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