Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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