you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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