My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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