I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
